I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
