If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
