how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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