Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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