listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Randomize
