I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
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I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
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the gays at disneyland are vicious
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat