Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..