R you on birth control?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
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When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
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I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.