Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
