I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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