mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
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You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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