just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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