The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
