Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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