i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
