you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
