I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
