He is an equal opportunity slut.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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