You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
