so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
