hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
