im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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