I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
