you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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