at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
