the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
