Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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