i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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