i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I wear drunk well.
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