There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
