Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
