Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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