I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
