I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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