I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
