There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
