HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
