good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
