Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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