I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My Sexting was not on an AP level
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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