I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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