i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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