im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
