I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
