I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
