We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
