why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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