I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
it hurts more in the daytime
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
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