Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
