Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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