i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
