So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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