I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
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Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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