I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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