I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
