your thong is hanging out like whoa
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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