I think im going to throw up on grandma
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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