i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
